


Your Heart Beating Out Loud

by Amikotsu



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Falling In Love, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Friendship/Love, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Rare Pairings, Recruitment, Secret Crush, True Love, Unrequited Love, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amikotsu/pseuds/Amikotsu
Summary: "So how did you manage to find me this time? Another birdy?""Something like that."She squinted at him, maintaining eye contact as she took a drink. She wasn't drunk enough to deal with his stupid ass. He smiled at her and her heart fluttered, and that was the proverbial nail in the coffin. Tuesday was another shit day, just like Monday. He'd shared his feelings with her once, only once, and they'd never talked about it again. She told herself, told him, that she wasn't interested in his lecherous ass, but she lied through her teeth. Out of all the men in her life, he'd never let her down. She trusted him, and she knew he trusted her. It was complicated, while being entirely simplistic in nature. Feelings never got a girl anywhere.
Relationships: Jiraiya/Tsunade (Naruto)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rare Pair Week, Day 4  
> Soulmates | Bad Things Happen

The night was humid, the kind of humid that stole your breath away, the kind of warmth and humidity that left a thin layer of sweat on your skin. But that was Yugakure, a place known for the steam trickling from the bathhouses out into the village. She'd wanted passage to neutral grounds, having tired of her voyage through the Land of Fire. The Land of Hot Water was a glaring example of an island surrounded by bloodthirsty nations just waiting for a reason to turn the peaceful nation into a war zone. War. The word whispered on the breeze, traveling with the steam, spreading throughout the village. Like the world needed more destruction and devastation. Like two great wars hadn't been enough. It was a cycle, wars inevitable, and she'd tired of that too.

Tsunade held up a hand to part the white cloth panels separating the sake bar from the road. Three of the six stools were empty, so she chose one furthest from the other patrons. In addition to the lingering heat and humidity, the air stunk of cigarette smoke and cheap sake, one of which she planned on indulging in. She'd spent the last three hours gambling, Shizune stuck at their room at the inn. The girl was thirteen and too smart for her age, her maturity shown in the way she helped her drunk guardian stumble into their room whenever they called a village their temporary home. Tsunade drank to forget, but it never worked. Even inebriated, she dreamt of blood staining her hands. She recalled the way it felt as it slid over her palms and between her fingers. She wasn't drunk enough, never drunk enough, but drinking made her feel in control of her life. Cheeks flushed, gambling until she and Shizune had nothing but the clothes on their backs, she wasn't alright, never alright, but she put one foot in front of the other and endured, the same as all shinobi. Funny how the mantra kept her going, even if she felt half dead inside. 

She opened a tab and ordered cheap sake, all she could afford after gambling away over half of her money. She would have to get more money in the next village they visited, she and Shizune, her young apprentice. Being broke sobered her up, so she downed her first cup, chasing it with a second and a third. The blonde drank away her Tuesday night, ignoring rowdy patrons seated at the other side of the small bar. As long as none of them bothered her, she told herself she wouldn't bother them. That was like her new code. Still, she often let rage guide her actions. She'd had to flee plenty of villages for destruction of property and instigating fights which quickly turned to all-out brawls. And Shizune -- she really didn't deserve her -- forgave her, each and every time. Tsunade hid in alcohol, gambling, and violence, while Shizune hid in medical books and scrolls. With enough practice, the teen would surpass her teacher, and then she'd have no reason to travel with her guardian. Tsunade thought that way. Shizune didn't.

One of the men at the other end of the bar whistled at her, but she chose to ignore him. He was leering at her, the same as most stupid men. She could break him like a toothpick. Tsunade downed another cup of sake, then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He was stupid enough to try whistling again, so she clenched her left fist and slowly turned to smile at the man. 

"You alone, beautiful?" His eyes lowered to her breasts and she'd already had enough of him. Cup cracking under the strength of her right hand, she made to stand, but a hand came down on her left shoulder. "Whoa. Sorry man. I didn't know she was yours." 

As if she needed a man to treat her like an object. She exhaled harshly and her attention shifted to the hand on her shoulder. When she saw her teammate smirking down at her, she rolled her eyes and stomped down the urge to deck him. He always had to appear, like a godsend, and maybe she hated it just as much as she loved it. Jiraiya ordered sake of his own and got her another cup, one that wouldn't leak sake on her hand. He sank into the seat to her right and made a show of settling down, as if thirty-six years made him ancient. And maybe it did, in shinobi years. Sometimes she felt ancient. Those were her worst days, days when she couldn't drag herself out of bed. Those days had lessened, but they still occurred. Jiraiya waited until he had his own sake and drank his first cup, then he turned slightly so he could see her face. He looked exhausted, but being on the road could do that to a man.

"So how did you manage to find me this time? Another birdy?"

"Something like that."

She squinted at him, maintaining eye contact as she took a drink. She wasn't drunk enough to deal with his stupid ass. He smiled at her and her heart fluttered, and that was the proverbial nail in the coffin. Tuesday was another shit day, just like Monday. He'd shared his feelings with her once, only once, and they'd never talked about it again. She told herself, told him, that she wasn't interested in his lecherous ass, but she lied through her teeth. Out of all the men in her life, he'd never let her down. She trusted him, and she knew he trusted her. It was complicated, while being entirely simplistic in nature. Feelings never got a girl anywhere. Tsunade knew that firsthand. While she waited for him to drink his liquid courage, she studied his face again. Even though they'd only been apart several years, he'd changed. He'd aged gracefully, which had her snorting. Of course he still looked good, while she used a jutsu to keep her looking twenty-five and hot as hell.

"Maybe we could take this somewhere more private, princess?"

"Anything you need to say to me can be said right here." Tsunade tapped her right index finger on the wooden bar and he heaved a frustrated sigh. He looked serious, sounded serious, so she gritted her teeth, settled her tab, and crossed her arms over her chest. "Let's make this quick. I'm tipsy and I want to get plastered."

"Always elegant and refined," he teased her, motioning with his chin for her to follow him. They stepped beneath the cloth dividers and out into the streets, leaving the place behind.

She thought he might take her into the red-light district, giving her a reason to release pent-up anger by punching him through a wall, but he chose a relatively nice park. In the day, children might have played there. There was a section near the waterfront that had picnic tables under a cover, a grill set up in the same space. Yugakure wasn't a big village, but it was a nice tourist attraction, perfect for disappearing. Again, she wondered how he managed to find her. Maybe he always knew where to find her. He sat down on a picnic table, using the seat to hold his feet, while she chose to sit right next to him. With them, it was mostly business, their meetings always having a purpose. She had a feeling he was going to ask her to accompany him back to Konoha, to overcome her crippling fear of blood. Their sensei still believed he could force her hand, in the nicest way possible. Hiruzen knew that if anyone could get her back into the village, Jiraiya could. 

"Have you heard about the border skirmishes?" Jiraiya crossed his arms over his chest and looked over the park, eyes scanning over the area rather than looking into her eyes. She frowned then, thinking of all the rumors she'd encountered on her journeys. "It's bad, real bad."

"Feh. Nothing to do with me," she shrugged, trying to appear as if she didn't care about the place she'd once called home, the place her grandfather had helped found. "So sensei decided to send a messenger. Don't you have anything better to do?"

"You know I'd drop everything for you."

"Don't do this to me."

They lapsed into silence, Tsunade suddenly feeling thirty-six again, maybe older. One war had been enough. Konoha had asked so much of her, too much of her, and it was easier to walk away than deal with her guilt and process her grief and anger. She blamed the village for the deaths of her precious people, and she knew that it would only be a matter of time before she lost Jiraiya too. At least Orochimaru had fled. Beside her, Jiraiya finally looked at her and she almost wished he were too perverted to see anything but her breasts, because the look in his eyes crumbled walls she'd built years ago. 

"Sakumo is dead," he informed her, his voice low. They had both known him; they had both considered him a friend. How was it that such a talented shinobi died so soon into the mess? "He took his own life. Seppuku."

"No one does that anymore. What the hell happened? What about his wife?"

"She passed away before him. He left a young son behind. He considered himself at fault for the escalation with Iwagakure, and for a few weeks, I hated him for choosing the lives of his team over the mission objective."

"That's not right. We would have done the same thing. What is sensei doing? He's finally gone senile."

"I'm not going to ask you to come back with me. I know it's not the time," he continued, surprising her. He cracked a partial smile and reached out to touch her shoulder. "I'm going to say keep it in mind. You aren't a missing nin, even though you act like it. We could really use your help."

Tsunade looked at him with wide eyes, looking between his eyes and his smile. The fool would end up getting himself killed, without a doubt. He'd asked her before, in roundabout ways; he's tracked her down each time, as if they shared a red string of fate. The thought of blood made her skin crawl. The metallic tang in the air. He must have seen something on her face because he squeezed her shoulder in an attempt to draw her back to him. Sometimes she really hated him. Tsunade looked down at her hands resting on her thighs and ground her right sandal against the concrete. Maybe she'd had enough time, and maybe she hadn't. She missed her team. She missed him. She needed more sake to carry her away. But it was nearing three in the morning and the bars closed at four. 

"I'll be here for three days."

"How do you always find me?"

"I know you."

"You always were equal parts smooth and sappy," she replied, already standing from the bench. Jiraiya got to his feet, the two of them standing together for several awkward minutes. She never noticed how tall he'd grown, easily overshadowing her. "And if I decide to continue on my travels?"

"It will be more like a 'see you later' rather than goodbye," he shrugged, leaning down to pull her into a hug. She sighed at him, then nudged him in the gut with her fist. He groaned in pain, quickly pulling back to pout at her. "I forget you like to beat up men for fun."

"What else am I supposed to do with my time? Knit?"


	2. Chapter 2

Tsunade stumbled down the hallway of the inn, mumbling to herself about how she hated stairs and how she should send an angry letter to the owners detailing her harrowing ordeal. It was almost dawn, and she'd spent the rest of her evening drinking Jiraiya under the table; she left the poor sap at the door to his own room, kind enough to remove him from the bar rather than leave him passed out at the counter. He handled his alcohol well, but not well enough. To her, getting drunk was a typical night. 

She fumbled with the key, dropping it several times, missing the lock several times. Tsunade squinted at the lock, intent on simply punching a hole through the door and unlocking it from the inside. Before she had the chance, she heard the lock turn and the door creaked open. Shizune, eyes squinted against the street light at Tsunade's back, took in her drunk guardian and sighed. She stepped back to allow Tsunade entrance, then took the woman by the arm and helped her over to one of the beds. Shizune removed her sandals and turned back the covers, then let her plop down on the side of the mattress. Yet again, Shizune looked after her, showing love and compassion and loyalty, and all Tsunade had was more drunk nights and gambling debts. Shizune watched her turn and drag the covers over herself, so she turned onto her back to avoid seeing the worried look in the girl's eyes. When had Shizune become the adult? 

"You drank too much again. I'll get you some water," Shizune sighed, already turning to leave. Tsunade reached out and snagged her hand, stopping her from leaving. Shizune looked into Tsunade's light brown eyes. 

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep. We'll be leaving in the afternoon."

"Why so soon?"

"We've been here long enough. I can think of a dozen places I'd rather be." Warm and safe, Tsunade turned onto her side and fell asleep to the tapping of the air conditioner. She dreamt of blood.

After a night riddled with unwanted dreams, Tsunade dragged herself out of bed at two o'clock in the afternoon. Shizune had managed to scrounge up enough money to get them a big breakfast that had her feigning appreciation and forcing down the contents of her stomach. She cheated her way through the effects of drinking, but still couldn't shake her nerves. She meant to run away again, and from Jiraiya, of all people. The promise of village life became tempting, but not at the cost of her freedom. And she knew wanderlust. And she knew cowardice. She outran a lot of things, but never the veil of mourning. Many nights, she doubted her decision to take Shizune with her, as their lifestyle was unconventional, at best. Tsunade wanted the world for the girl, and through the years, she'd learned that she was giving Shizune nothing of what the girl needed.

As Shizune packed their belongings, Tsunade stood by the window of their room and looked out at the people mingling on the street. Yugakure would become another place of destruction. Whenever the five great nations fought, the smaller nations suffered. The safest place for them would be in Konoha, but the thought of going back -- she turned to watch Shizune carefully fold their clothes and place them in their bag. Maybe it was time for the blonde to admit that while she'd thought her decision to take Shizune had been the right decision, she'd been wrong. When Shizune noticed her staring, Tsunade let her eyes wander to the overstuffed bag on the bed. Shizune didn't need to outrun war zones, to live a lie to survive. Tsunade was a grown woman, and Shizune was thirteen, too young to be tossed into the war machine. There was the argument against Konoha. But the safety the village could offer far outweighed that possibility.

"Are you happy, Shizune?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I can't offer you the protection you're going to need. My name is still in the bingo books and there's," Tsunade trailed off, unwilling to mention the looming war. "I want you to go back to Konoha."

"You aren't coming with me." Shizune looked down at the medical book she had in her hands and dropped down on the bed. She was strong and capable, smart too, and Tsunade waited for the inevitable outburst. Except it didn't happen. Shizune took time to think. "That's it? Will I ever see you again? How is this any different than all the times we've run away? I don't want to go. I want to stay with you. I'm old enough to make my own decision. What I want matters too."

"Stubborn brat," Tsunade muttered to herself. She turned her back to the window and approached Shizune. She sat on the edge of her bed so they faced one another. "I can't look after you anymore. I would move heaven and earth for you, but that won't make any difference if we're dead. Do you understand? This decision is for you. It's what's best for you."

How many times had she said those words to Shizune, subtly manipulating the girl into continuing their erratic, nomadic lifestyle? She'd been running her whole life, sometimes toward something, sometimes away from something. Shizune finished packing the bag and they left the room together, both of them numb. Tsunade didn't know where to find Jiraiya, not if he hadn't stayed at his inn, so they started with his room. Tsunade knew Shizune had questions, but the girl didn't ask, so Tsunade provided no explanation. For such a nice day, skies partly cloudy, day not quite as hot as the day before, Tsunade felt as if her whole world had gone up in flames. Shizune stood in the hall, right next to the door to Jiraiya's room, while Tsunade calmly knocked on the door. She heard something fall and shatter, followed by a loud groan. When he didn't get to the door fast enough, she pounded on the wood, silently threatening the door and the man on the other side.

"Alright, alright. Give me a minute. Don't break the door." The voice was muffled, followed by a loud thump and a slew of curse words that had Shizune wide eyed and covering her mouth. Tsunade snorted. When the door opened, he poked his head out, saw Shizune, and then looked to Tsunade.

"We need to talk." She waited for him to step back and allow both of them into the room, then heard the door close behind them.

The bed was unmade, sheets hanging off one side where he had obviously fallen out of bed. The lamp was a pile of broken pieces on the floor, the light flickering on and off. Jiraiya wore wrinkled clothing and smelled of booze and cologne that he'd been wearing the night before. He tried to straighten himself up by running a hand through his hair, but he eventually gave up. Shizune took a seat at the table provided by the inn, while Tsunade waited for him to try and straighten the bed sheets so they could sit down. When Jiraiya sat down, Tsunade decided to stand, taking the more dominant position, since she wasn't forced to look up at him to speak. His eyes kept darting to Shizune, the girl content staring at the wooden table. 

"I want you to take Shizune back to Konoha with you. I don't want her involved. Got it?"

"Whoa. Not that I mind taking her back, but you aren't coming?"

"I can handle myself."

"Can we talk about this without the kid?" Jiraiya jerked his chin in the direction of Shizune. Without any request from Tsunade, the teen left the table, marched out of the room, and slammed the door behind her. "I'm guessing she doesn't agree with this. Look, princess. I don't think this is what sensei had in mind. I get wanting to keep her out of the crossfire, but you're leaving yourself there."

"Are you doubting my abilities as a kunoichi?" Jiraiya's eyes widened and he held up his hands in a placating gesture. Her brow still twitched, but she didn't lash out at him. Hadn't she grown tired of her life on the road? Going back meant going back to war. She'd had enough of that. She knew what a life was like as fodder. "Why didn't you leave? Why are you still there? Are you crazy?"

He rubbed his chin, the beginnings of stubble causing him to frown. After Tsunade had left Hiruzen had asked him if he intended to do the same. At the time, he'd planned on it, but he stayed. He took a team of genin that dissolved into an apprenticeship. He still wanted to be there. There were reasons to keep fighting. He cared about the children, even if he said he didn't. He thought of Minato as his own, just as he'd felt when he'd taught the three orphans to survive. Without a doubt, he was a pervert, but that didn't mean he cared any less. She waited for an answer, the seconds slowly ticking by, until he finally sighed.

"Maybe I am. I planned on leaving, but sensei gave me a team of kids. I found an apprentice there. Namikaze Minato. He's a real prodigy, Tsunade. You wouldn't believe the things this kid can do. He'll easily surpass us," Jiraiya said, a small grin forming on his lips. She rolled her eyes at him and he chuckled. "I guess I'm not done yet. There's still more of me left to give. I think there's more of you too."

Tsunade looked away, hands balled into fists at her side. The man was gifted, easily seeing right through her, but his words, though inspiring, still left her adrift. Men fought and died for inequality, for villages constructed like war machines. She'd left behind teachings to people wanting to save lives, just as she'd wanted to save lives. And where was the spark she used to have? Gone. Losing Dan and Nawaki had extinguished it. She was no one without them. Even though Shizune depended on her, she had nothing left to give. She only had enough strength to see the girl to safety. And then she would resume her nomadic lifestyle, drinking and gambling her life away.

Jiraiya got to his feet, stopping before her, looking down at her. She bit her lower lip and met his eyes. Her anger extinguished when she saw the hesitant smile on his face. He should have run away too. The Will of Fire was a bullshit story to rally blind men to bloodshed. She'd become disenchanted. He lightly tugged on one of her ponytails, then he leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. His lips lingered for too long against her skin, but she closed her eyes and relished the feeling. A legendary sucker, she bet everything on him dying, if only it meant that he would make it through another war. 

"Tell me about the border skirmishes."

Jiraiya looked down at her and grinned.


End file.
